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“For this child I have prayed, and the Lord has granted the desires of my heart” – 1 Samuel 1:27 – a Bible passage that reflects my pregnancy journey since 2017. The past two years has been one heck of a rollercoaster ride; from going through a stillbirth in 2017 to this pregnancy journey that I am sharing with you. In early 2017, I announced that we were expecting our second child and we were excited to share the news after making it through the pregnancy “safe zone” i.e. the first trimester; we were elated and started counting down but unknown to us, that journey will be cut short at 20+ weeks (approximately 5 months into the pregnancy).
I vividly remember that somber Wednesday afternoon at the doctor’s office during our scheduled routine ultrasound. The ultrasound technician was attempting to find a heartbeat (a usual process), and there was this sudden silence and she excused herself to get the attending Doctor; immediately, my heart sank and I knew something wasn’t right but at the same time, I was not expecting anything terrible. After the doctor walked in, the technician further attempted to listen and find a heartbeat again and I could clearly see the concern on the doctor’s face. There was a pin drop silence in the room and you could practically hear everyone breathing except the only heartbeat were were anticipating. What happened next changed our lives forever; the doctor’s facial expression was doleful and the words from her mouth was haunting; “I’m so sorry, there’s no heartbeat”. I went blank and couldn’t alter a word, no tears…I was shocked and so was my husband! Few minutes or seconds later, I screamed “Noooooo! This is not happening”. At that moment, we knew our lives will change; they say that experiences changes you and this one certainly changed my outlook in life for good.
Phewwww! Typing this is still so hard. It feels like it was yesterday. The days, weeks and months after were the toughest moments of my life. I lost interest in so many things that I wanted or planned to do. I tried coping by engulfing myself in work and staying busy. I searched for answers on the internet, Babycenter sites and social media sites for women who have gone through a similar experience — I was in search of hope. Thanks to a wonderful partner, husband, family, and friends for being my rock. I couldn’t imagine going through this experience without my wonderful husband. We were each other’s rock. We encouraged each other, cried and prayed together. I am thankful to my amazing friends who called me every day, texted, visited and found ways to keep me distracted without asking for anything in return.
I feel the need to share my story in the hope that it will help someone else going through the same situation or anyone looking for someone as a symbol of hope because that was me at that moment. Fast forward to last year, you can imagine our joy when we found out that we were expecting again, which felt like the longest wait. This journey has been filled with excitement and tremendous anxiety of the unknown. Due to my anxiety from the prior pregnancy loss, I chose to keep this pregnancy private. It wasn’t easy because each day, milestone and doctor’s visit was filled with mixed emotions: excitement, nerve wrecks and anxiety pangs. Today, I can finally breath a sign of relieve knowing this journey ended with joy as I felt the heartbeat of my miracle baby on my chest. “For this child I have prayed, and the Lord has granted the desires of my heart” – 1 Samuel 1:27
I want to continue to connect with you through this avenue to share my story and journey. Stay tuned as there is more to come. If you are going through some type of child loss and need someone to talk to, please email me and direct message me on Instagram. I hope that by sharing my story, it will help someone out there just like others have helped me. I also welcome any question/s or anything you will like me to share. I will be doing Q&A video on my YouTube Channel. Please send me any questions and leave comments below.